Thursday, 26 February 2009

Ther's Nout as Queer as Folk!

Moving to our current location some four years ago, was a decision based on the quality of life we could achieve for both me my wife and ultimately our Children.

After trawling through various property agents details on both the Internet and the High Street, We managed to find a property which fulfilled the criteria we had set ourselves. A large house, to comfortably accommodate what is a large family, a large garden to accommodate the Children and my wife's green fingers, and an expanse of land to enable us to enter the World of rearing livestock.

Now I don't know about you, but when something seems to good to be true it invariably, in my experience, is too good to be true.

Prior to actually taking possession of our dream house, my Wife and myself ventured in to the local village some 5 miles away, for a celebratory meal, at the only public house within 20 or so miles, how quaint we thought, this shall become our local we thought, we shall meet and become as one with the locals we thought.

Our suspicions should have been raised at this first meeting with the local inhabitants, the meal was adequate, as was the drink, although expensive and the conversation limited to between ourselves with brief interspersion's from the waitress. The local pub goers were conspicuous in there avoidance of the unknown diners, avoiding eye contact at all costs, in fear the 'incomers' may start a conversation.
Towards the end of the evening, the waitress was hovering around our table in anticipation of payment and ultimately going home, as we were, and had been, the only customers all evening. It was a slightly unnerving feeling, and we began to feel a burden to the staffs routine.
"Hurry up dear, the natives are becoming restless", my Wife remarked. She too had obviously felt the same, what I would describe as ' Wild West' saloon bar feeling I had, in that we expected at any time the occupants of the establishment to form a circle, open a pocket watch, which would proceed to play an eery tune gradually slowing down as we all eyeballed each other to see who would draw first.
The waitress finally approached us "Everything alright for you Sir", with a hint of who do you think you are, hurry up and let me go home.
"Fine thank you, could we have the bill please" I replied with a hint of God let me out of here before I am drugged bound and taken to a cellar, destined to become tomorrows dish of the day.
"On Holiday" she continued as I fumbled for my wallet.
"Oh no, we have bought a house not far from here" my Wife replied, and proceed to give directions to its location.

A silence came over the entire room, and I could have sworn that a tumble weed passed by the window.

"The old Grants place" the waitress finally answered, as if from a Scooby Do cartoon."There's been a couple of Incomers in that place since the Grants left" she continued,"none have stayed, they don't know the ways".
What ways!, now I was getting worried, I half expected one of the locals at the bar to break out into a spine chilling laugh, and shout out "Your doomed, all doomed".
The waitress looked left and right and leant forward to speak to us, we also found ourselves looking left and right and leaning forward to meet her, we must have been within 3 inches of each other, in our ghostly huddle.
"They've never got on with us" she whispered, as if she should not have uttered the words, checking from left to right again she continued, "They never come down this far"
"Who?" I dared to ask.
"Your neighbours" she said leaning in even further.
"What No 5?, they seem so nice" I whispered back.
"No...all of them, they keep themselves to themselves, and we do the same"
I looked at my wife who appeared to be close to either crying, screaming or running out of the door. I turned back at the waitress who had rematerialised over at the bar, speaking with a couple of locals who between sentences glared over to our table.
"If things get nasty Ill take the big one with the single eye and 14 fingers" I attempted to reassure my wife, " While you make a run for it"
The waitress made her way back towards us with my credit card,"Will you be wanting coffee sir"
"Ohh no I don't think so, do you dear, No I didn't think so, that's all thank you" I spurted out.
"Will we be seeing you again Sir" She asked as if telling me not to darken the doors of this establishment ever again.
Nervously I managed to laugh, ", I'm sure we'll think about it, wont we dear" looking towards my wife for support, only to find she had put on her coat, and was making a hasty retreat towards the door. "Well thank you again for a lovely evening" I said as I also backed my way towards the door, managing to put my coat on inside out.
Once out of the building we briskly walked to our car briefly glancing back to see half a dozen pale faces pressed against the pub window watching us leave. I didn't know whether to wave back, or leave the car and run.

This was our introduction to our new life, interested in hearing more? Let me know....

Monday, 23 February 2009


On the subject of High Street retailers, see Woolies post, I would like to send a message to the High Street Retailer 'Fast Frames'.

Whilst three days could be described as fast in Geological terms, perhaps when describing the erosion of a mountain, or the formation of an Ox Bow Lake, when it comes to framing a school photograph, its not particularly it.

Come on get your act together, is it any wonder people are turning to the Internet to buy their goods!


It is very sad to see any of the Great British High Street retailers circome to the recession, but particularly for me Woolworths.
This great institution of High Streets up and down the length and Breadth of the Country, holds many memories for me, as I am sure many others. With there varied assortment of goods at reasonable prices, I can recall drooling over the toy section as a child.

I was astonished and a little disappointed though, to read that the final pick and mix selection, ever to come from Woolies sweetie section, was auctioned off on E Bay for £14,000.00.

I understand that the money may be used for a final farewell party for employees, which is admirable, it is somewhat ironic though that the public bid in their droves to obtain the final sweet pack, when their time money and effort would have been so appreciated and better spent actually getting off their lazy Internet bound arses and using the high street shops to do their shopping. Instead of the now common place practice of tapping a few keys on the home PC, and having everything from consumables to food to a new car, delivered direct to their doorstep.

Come on Britain lets get out a little more and rejuvenate the Local High Street shops, before the next major chain goes the way of the Woolies.

Friday, 20 February 2009


Oh Well...The snows all gone at last, just the remnant splodge's of salt and grit stained slush against the kerbside.

We are now entering the rainy season here, so from white fields we enter Paddy fields, I'm going to forget potatoes this year, think I might have a go at growing rice!

Started rewriting my book again, following the child/laptop/smash episode, hope I can recall all aspects as it was pretty good.

Hose burst on the washing machine the other night due to the cold evenings, still wont have to build that swimming pool that I promised the cockroaches.

Ive got a couple of one liners for you all....ready for this?

Every fight is a good fight...If you are a cannibal!


Terrorists invade condom factory!

Choir boy born without tongue, sings through his nose!

CD player gets Woman pregnant, - She thinks by Elvis!

Busty mum trades breasts with her teenage daughter!

Banks to use tear gas, to evict mortgage defaulters!

17 year old girl becomes grandmother, on graduation day!

Saturday, 14 February 2009


Darling, you seem to get more beautiful every year.

But I refuse to wear Glasses!

A couple came upon a wishing well, the Wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The Husband decided to also make a wish, but leaned over too far and fell in to the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a few seconds, but then smiling said, "unbelievable, it works"!!


A little humour, on this special day....

A shy man walked in to a pub on Valentines day evening, and noticed a Woman sitting at the bar.

After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally walked over to her and asked,
"Would you mind if I sat next to you".

She made a furious face, and yelled,
"How dare you ask me to sleep with you tonight"

Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the Woman walked over to him and apologised,
"You see I'm a student of Psychology, studying how people react to embarrassment".

The young man suddenly shouted out,
"What do you mean £200.00?"


Could I just say a quick thank you to the person who owned my house in the early 1980's, and decided to glue woodchip wallpaper to the entire house?
Also a big thanks to the two owners since, who glossed over it several times.

I hope you will enjoy your Easter holiday as much as I will!!


How long do you think it took the Germans to find Pele in his disguise, at the end of 'Escape to Victory'?
I have a feeling he may have stood out a bit in Wartime occupied France!


They say that being the England football team manager is the loneliest job in the World. Well, I work in a lighthouse on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, 8000 miles from land.

Lets get things in to perspective here!

Friday, 13 February 2009


shop weight or shirt... What sort of lifter are you?

Shoplifters, Shirt lifters and Weight lifters are everywhere. It seems that these days you cant pick up a newspaper, without reading stories of retail theft, gayness or feats of strength.
Whether its Winona Ryder being stopped for stealing a coat, George Michael performing a sex act on a scruffy van driver, or Geoff Capes carrying a Citroen 2CV around an obstacle course in Malta, different kinds of lifters are never out of the headlines.

Maby its not so surprising. After exhaustive research, over breakfast, I believe that each and every one of us falls in to one of these three categories. For people like Elton John, Isabel Barnett and Precious Mckenzie, its obvious which group they fall into. What of the rest of us though?

You may think you know what sort of lifter you are, but do you really?

I have listed a easy to follow questionnaire, which will tell you once and for all.

So lift up your pencil and take the test everyone is talking about,.. in my house, to find out.

1. You are walking down the street when you spot an ice cream van with a puncture. The wheel jack is collapsed, and the seller is trapped under his vehicle and shouting for help. What do you do?

a. Take hold of the bumper and lift the van up enough for the man to escape.
b. Nip in to the van and fill your coat with ice lollies, flakes and cans of coke.
c.Mince up to the trapped ice cream man and run your hands over his buttocks.

2. You are the only customer in a sweet shop, and you have asked for a quarter of kola cubes, which are in a jar on the top shelf. The shop keeper says he will have to go up a rickety ladder to get them.How do you react?

a. Wait until he gets up the top of the ladder before filling you pockets with Mars bars and Topics and running out of the shop.
b. Offer to lift him above your head so he can reach the jar without going up the ladder.
c. Offer to hold the ladder, thus offering the opportunity to peek up his trouser leg, at his bottom!

3. You sit down in front of the TV one night. What programme do you watch?

a. The Worlds strongest man.
b. The Wizard of Oz.
c. The Richard and Judy show.

4. You are standing in a bus queue. What do you do with your arms.?

a. Hold them up, elbows level with your shoulders, forearms vertical and fists clenched, angled towards your biceps.
b. Put one hand on your hip, and hold the other arm aloft with a slack wrist.
c. Keep them inside your coat holding 8 tins of spaghetti hoops, whilst a pair of false ones dangle in your sleeves.

5.....Oh sod it, I think you get the general idea, I sometimes think I'm writing this drivel as some kind of stress relief, I don't know if anybody is going to read it! Its snowing again outside..Obviously...! be something to see if it started snowing indoors... peas for tea tonight....must remember to clean the bottom of the longs that mole been on my finger? Ho Hum.

Thursday, 12 February 2009


Tourhett Butler, famously once said:

Frankly my dear, I don't f*#k*ng give a s##d$ng damn.



Failed the lot?

Don't worry, do a degree in material Science at Loughborough University!

Prefer watching Telly to doing work?

Then Media Studies at Keele is the course for you.

Minimum entry qualifications:
One A level grade F or lower, ability to switch on Telly, able to open a bag of Doritos.