Thursday, 26 February 2009

Ther's Nout as Queer as Folk!

Moving to our current location some four years ago, was a decision based on the quality of life we could achieve for both me my wife and ultimately our Children.

After trawling through various property agents details on both the Internet and the High Street, We managed to find a property which fulfilled the criteria we had set ourselves. A large house, to comfortably accommodate what is a large family, a large garden to accommodate the Children and my wife's green fingers, and an expanse of land to enable us to enter the World of rearing livestock.

Now I don't know about you, but when something seems to good to be true it invariably, in my experience, is too good to be true.

Prior to actually taking possession of our dream house, my Wife and myself ventured in to the local village some 5 miles away, for a celebratory meal, at the only public house within 20 or so miles, how quaint we thought, this shall become our local we thought, we shall meet and become as one with the locals we thought.

Our suspicions should have been raised at this first meeting with the local inhabitants, the meal was adequate, as was the drink, although expensive and the conversation limited to between ourselves with brief interspersion's from the waitress. The local pub goers were conspicuous in there avoidance of the unknown diners, avoiding eye contact at all costs, in fear the 'incomers' may start a conversation.
Towards the end of the evening, the waitress was hovering around our table in anticipation of payment and ultimately going home, as we were, and had been, the only customers all evening. It was a slightly unnerving feeling, and we began to feel a burden to the staffs routine.
"Hurry up dear, the natives are becoming restless", my Wife remarked. She too had obviously felt the same, what I would describe as ' Wild West' saloon bar feeling I had, in that we expected at any time the occupants of the establishment to form a circle, open a pocket watch, which would proceed to play an eery tune gradually slowing down as we all eyeballed each other to see who would draw first.
The waitress finally approached us "Everything alright for you Sir", with a hint of who do you think you are, hurry up and let me go home.
"Fine thank you, could we have the bill please" I replied with a hint of God let me out of here before I am drugged bound and taken to a cellar, destined to become tomorrows dish of the day.
"On Holiday" she continued as I fumbled for my wallet.
"Oh no, we have bought a house not far from here" my Wife replied, and proceed to give directions to its location.

A silence came over the entire room, and I could have sworn that a tumble weed passed by the window.

"The old Grants place" the waitress finally answered, as if from a Scooby Do cartoon."There's been a couple of Incomers in that place since the Grants left" she continued,"none have stayed, they don't know the ways".
What ways!, now I was getting worried, I half expected one of the locals at the bar to break out into a spine chilling laugh, and shout out "Your doomed, all doomed".
The waitress looked left and right and leant forward to speak to us, we also found ourselves looking left and right and leaning forward to meet her, we must have been within 3 inches of each other, in our ghostly huddle.
"They've never got on with us" she whispered, as if she should not have uttered the words, checking from left to right again she continued, "They never come down this far"
"Who?" I dared to ask.
"Your neighbours" she said leaning in even further.
"What No 5?, they seem so nice" I whispered back.
"No...all of them, they keep themselves to themselves, and we do the same"
I looked at my wife who appeared to be close to either crying, screaming or running out of the door. I turned back at the waitress who had rematerialised over at the bar, speaking with a couple of locals who between sentences glared over to our table.
"If things get nasty Ill take the big one with the single eye and 14 fingers" I attempted to reassure my wife, " While you make a run for it"
The waitress made her way back towards us with my credit card,"Will you be wanting coffee sir"
"Ohh no I don't think so, do you dear, No I didn't think so, that's all thank you" I spurted out.
"Will we be seeing you again Sir" She asked as if telling me not to darken the doors of this establishment ever again.
Nervously I managed to laugh, ", I'm sure we'll think about it, wont we dear" looking towards my wife for support, only to find she had put on her coat, and was making a hasty retreat towards the door. "Well thank you again for a lovely evening" I said as I also backed my way towards the door, managing to put my coat on inside out.
Once out of the building we briskly walked to our car briefly glancing back to see half a dozen pale faces pressed against the pub window watching us leave. I didn't know whether to wave back, or leave the car and run.

This was our introduction to our new life, interested in hearing more? Let me know....

Monday, 23 February 2009


On the subject of High Street retailers, see Woolies post, I would like to send a message to the High Street Retailer 'Fast Frames'.

Whilst three days could be described as fast in Geological terms, perhaps when describing the erosion of a mountain, or the formation of an Ox Bow Lake, when it comes to framing a school photograph, its not particularly it.

Come on get your act together, is it any wonder people are turning to the Internet to buy their goods!


It is very sad to see any of the Great British High Street retailers circome to the recession, but particularly for me Woolworths.
This great institution of High Streets up and down the length and Breadth of the Country, holds many memories for me, as I am sure many others. With there varied assortment of goods at reasonable prices, I can recall drooling over the toy section as a child.

I was astonished and a little disappointed though, to read that the final pick and mix selection, ever to come from Woolies sweetie section, was auctioned off on E Bay for £14,000.00.

I understand that the money may be used for a final farewell party for employees, which is admirable, it is somewhat ironic though that the public bid in their droves to obtain the final sweet pack, when their time money and effort would have been so appreciated and better spent actually getting off their lazy Internet bound arses and using the high street shops to do their shopping. Instead of the now common place practice of tapping a few keys on the home PC, and having everything from consumables to food to a new car, delivered direct to their doorstep.

Come on Britain lets get out a little more and rejuvenate the Local High Street shops, before the next major chain goes the way of the Woolies.

Friday, 20 February 2009


Oh Well...The snows all gone at last, just the remnant splodge's of salt and grit stained slush against the kerbside.

We are now entering the rainy season here, so from white fields we enter Paddy fields, I'm going to forget potatoes this year, think I might have a go at growing rice!

Started rewriting my book again, following the child/laptop/smash episode, hope I can recall all aspects as it was pretty good.

Hose burst on the washing machine the other night due to the cold evenings, still wont have to build that swimming pool that I promised the cockroaches.

Ive got a couple of one liners for you all....ready for this?

Every fight is a good fight...If you are a cannibal!


Terrorists invade condom factory!

Choir boy born without tongue, sings through his nose!

CD player gets Woman pregnant, - She thinks by Elvis!

Busty mum trades breasts with her teenage daughter!

Banks to use tear gas, to evict mortgage defaulters!

17 year old girl becomes grandmother, on graduation day!

Saturday, 14 February 2009


Darling, you seem to get more beautiful every year.

But I refuse to wear Glasses!

A couple came upon a wishing well, the Wife leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny.
The Husband decided to also make a wish, but leaned over too far and fell in to the well, and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a few seconds, but then smiling said, "unbelievable, it works"!!


A little humour, on this special day....

A shy man walked in to a pub on Valentines day evening, and noticed a Woman sitting at the bar.

After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally walked over to her and asked,
"Would you mind if I sat next to you".

She made a furious face, and yelled,
"How dare you ask me to sleep with you tonight"

Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the Woman walked over to him and apologised,
"You see I'm a student of Psychology, studying how people react to embarrassment".

The young man suddenly shouted out,
"What do you mean £200.00?"


Could I just say a quick thank you to the person who owned my house in the early 1980's, and decided to glue woodchip wallpaper to the entire house?
Also a big thanks to the two owners since, who glossed over it several times.

I hope you will enjoy your Easter holiday as much as I will!!


How long do you think it took the Germans to find Pele in his disguise, at the end of 'Escape to Victory'?
I have a feeling he may have stood out a bit in Wartime occupied France!


They say that being the England football team manager is the loneliest job in the World. Well, I work in a lighthouse on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, 8000 miles from land.

Lets get things in to perspective here!

Friday, 13 February 2009


shop weight or shirt... What sort of lifter are you?

Shoplifters, Shirt lifters and Weight lifters are everywhere. It seems that these days you cant pick up a newspaper, without reading stories of retail theft, gayness or feats of strength.
Whether its Winona Ryder being stopped for stealing a coat, George Michael performing a sex act on a scruffy van driver, or Geoff Capes carrying a Citroen 2CV around an obstacle course in Malta, different kinds of lifters are never out of the headlines.

Maby its not so surprising. After exhaustive research, over breakfast, I believe that each and every one of us falls in to one of these three categories. For people like Elton John, Isabel Barnett and Precious Mckenzie, its obvious which group they fall into. What of the rest of us though?

You may think you know what sort of lifter you are, but do you really?

I have listed a easy to follow questionnaire, which will tell you once and for all.

So lift up your pencil and take the test everyone is talking about,.. in my house, to find out.

1. You are walking down the street when you spot an ice cream van with a puncture. The wheel jack is collapsed, and the seller is trapped under his vehicle and shouting for help. What do you do?

a. Take hold of the bumper and lift the van up enough for the man to escape.
b. Nip in to the van and fill your coat with ice lollies, flakes and cans of coke.
c.Mince up to the trapped ice cream man and run your hands over his buttocks.

2. You are the only customer in a sweet shop, and you have asked for a quarter of kola cubes, which are in a jar on the top shelf. The shop keeper says he will have to go up a rickety ladder to get them.How do you react?

a. Wait until he gets up the top of the ladder before filling you pockets with Mars bars and Topics and running out of the shop.
b. Offer to lift him above your head so he can reach the jar without going up the ladder.
c. Offer to hold the ladder, thus offering the opportunity to peek up his trouser leg, at his bottom!

3. You sit down in front of the TV one night. What programme do you watch?

a. The Worlds strongest man.
b. The Wizard of Oz.
c. The Richard and Judy show.

4. You are standing in a bus queue. What do you do with your arms.?

a. Hold them up, elbows level with your shoulders, forearms vertical and fists clenched, angled towards your biceps.
b. Put one hand on your hip, and hold the other arm aloft with a slack wrist.
c. Keep them inside your coat holding 8 tins of spaghetti hoops, whilst a pair of false ones dangle in your sleeves.

5.....Oh sod it, I think you get the general idea, I sometimes think I'm writing this drivel as some kind of stress relief, I don't know if anybody is going to read it! Its snowing again outside..Obviously...! be something to see if it started snowing indoors... peas for tea tonight....must remember to clean the bottom of the longs that mole been on my finger? Ho Hum.

Thursday, 12 February 2009


Tourhett Butler, famously once said:

Frankly my dear, I don't f*#k*ng give a s##d$ng damn.



Failed the lot?

Don't worry, do a degree in material Science at Loughborough University!

Prefer watching Telly to doing work?

Then Media Studies at Keele is the course for you.

Minimum entry qualifications:
One A level grade F or lower, ability to switch on Telly, able to open a bag of Doritos.


Friends of Mihir Bose were yesterday mounting an anxious vigil outside his home, as the BBC sports editor, entered a second night trapped in a wardrobe. The 61-year old broadcaster has been locked in the wardrobe in his bedroom since Friday night.
So far all attempts to free him have failed. Emergency services now fear that unless he is released quickly, Bose could suffocate on his own farts!

It is thought that Bose may have entered the wardrobe on Tuesday evening, looking for a magic far away land, after being inspired by the C S Lewis, Narnia books. His mother Edna Bose, told reporters: "I began reading the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe to Mihir as his bedtime story and he became quite excited at the part where Lucy enters the wardrobe and the fur coats turn into trees.

"He kept asking me if there was a Narnia behind the suits in the wardrobe," she added.

Mrs Bose discovered her sons predicament when he failed to come down for his coco pops the following morning, "He never misses his coco pops" she continued, "That's when I knew something had happened".

"I went into his room to get him up, but he wasn't in his bed. Then I heard muffled cries from his wardrobe. I tried to open it up, but found that the door was stuck fast, and the handle came off in my hand. I was worried because Mihir had had meatballs in Chicken tonight sauce for his tea the night before, and that always makes him a bit Windy"!

Unable to free her award winning sports pundit son, Mrs Bose called the Fire Brigade., but when they arrived they too were unable to get the wardrobe open. Two officers tried to force the door using a butter knife from the kitchen, but it bent. Two other firemen removed the mirror from the front, in the hope of finding another way in, but they discovered it was solid wood behind.

Following the unsuccessful rescue attempts, Chief Fire Officer, Cuthbert Flack, flanked by his team, Pugh,Pugh, Barley and McGrew, read a statement to the press gathered outside Bose's West London home. Looking tired and Drawn, he told reporters-
"I can confirm that a 61 year old man is trapped inside a wardrobe at this address. He is not in any imminent danger of injury, but he has been eating spicy Chicken Tonight, and there is a risk that his flatulence could build up to a level that might endanger his life, in such a confined space".

Firefighters last night were still attempting to remove Bose from his wardrobe, although hopes of a successful outcome were said to be fading fast. "We are doing everything we can, but it is only a matter of time before Mihir succumbs to his own toxic gasses," Flack added.

Meanwhile BBC bosses were believed to be discussing the possibility of adapting Bose's plight into a Saturday evening game show format. I'M A CELEBRITY GET MIHIR OUT OF THERE!
Which will feature a variety of stars coming up with hair brained schemes to free the bespectacled sports editor from his wardrobe prison, before he suffocates on his own farts.

Mihirs mother Edna was in favour of the proposed light entertainment show, adding"Its what he would have wanted, he is a true pro to the end".

Viewers will get the chance to vote for their favourite in a very expensive, rigged telephone pole.

Should any of my legions of Blog followers be interested or indeed care, I would be more than thrilled to read your suggestions as to the confined spaces catastrophe, and ways of securing Mihirs release.


Next time you go for the bloody newspaper!!!

The bottom rail on that fence is about 8 inches off the ground! Will it ever stop snowing?


Aahh... look at the bambies...

The deer have come down to look for food.
Been so cold and the snow covering for so long now, they must be starting to feel it!

The snow yesterday was due to clear according to the forecast, Ha- think i'll put my shorts on then.

Monday, 9 February 2009


I like to cook, I like to watch good cooks cook. I don't however like Anthony Warrell Thompson.

Who is neither a good cook, or someone I like to watch for too long!

If hes not ramming his latest Kitchen labour saving device down our throats, on QVC, or advertising his latest turbo charged egg whisk and combined chicken plucker in the daily tabloid, then He's cooking up rats tail and witchety bug souffles in the jungle!!

I don't like to be cruel to the afflicted, but he must have been hit extremely hard with the ugly stick, and then beaten severely with it for a couple of hours.

His physical features however are not the reason for my high blood pressure, Its his business dealings which have turned my face a darker shade of puse.

I am led to believe that poor Mr Thompson is feeling the effects of the recession, to such an extent that he has been forced to close a number of his 'fat Chef' eateries.

Before I open my daughters violin case and play myself into a depression, I would remind myself of a few details..

Apparently Mr Thompsons bank would not increase his, already not insignificant, business over draught, to the tune of £200,000.00. Which by all accounts would have paid off his creditors, and enabled Mr Thompson to sail out of the recession into even greater profits.

It is now the banks fault that 3 of Mr Thompsons trough shops, will be forced into receivership, not that his food is bland, and the punters are sick of dining on a celebrity chefs name alone, Oh no it is the banks fault.

Miraculously though Mr Thompson has managed to finance some £350,000.00 privately, to enable him to buy back two of his nosh shops, leaving no doubt the poor creditors and debts of the business empire to the receivers and the toxic remaining business. Cynical maybe, but I'm sure that Mr Thompson will come up smelling of saffron fragrance roses.

Hooray, cant wait to see him back on TV, or look forward to his next best seller.!!!


Dear Father, It has been some time since my last confession.

I no not why, but I was recently caught short, whilst queuing for tickets to see Will Young.

I had no choice but to relieve myself in my hat!

Will I be going to Hell as a result?

Well Gerronimo, The relieving of ones self in to a hat in a public place is indeed seen as a sin in the eyes of our Lord.

It all depends however on when the action took place. The Christian Church officially abolished the Idea of Hell in1983, so if you relieved yourself after that date, you are safe. However, if the deed took place before then, I'm afraid YOU WILL BE CAST INTO A LAKE OF FIRE FOR ALL ETERNITY, and probably even longer...


I hate the way those pesky Frenchies dip those stale cakes into coffee. Bunch of Pigs!


Following the recent shoe throwing shenanigans, during the outgoing American President George Bush's visit to Iraq, The Metro newspaper reported that the throwing of such an item is a sign of contempt in Iraq culture.

Surely taking off your well worn, ripe shoes, and throwing them at someones head dosen't have positive connotations in any culture.


Ive just managed to battle my way back home through six feet of snow!

There aren't many things that would make me drive 600 miles, through arctic conditions, screaming children in stereo from all angles of the car, lack of sleep, lack of food and worse of all missing Antiques Roadshow on Sunday night!

That however was the case this Weekend where myself and my family were invited to attend my baby brothers wedding, The wedding of the century.

As I have previously alluded to, the thought of travelling in the current conditions may have been enough to put many less hardy off, but I wouldn't have missed it for the World!

My little brother has tied the knot! everything is now legal! and being a fiercely religious man, damn time too.

The wedding was Fantastic, My new sister-in-law Siobhan, although a Norwich City fan, is also Fantastic, a more than welcome addition to the legendary Saunders Clan! and little Findlay, although destined to a life of supporting Norwich City, is Fantastic also. That's three Fantastics in one paragraph----Fantastic!

It was also lovely to see all the members of my family, who I have not seen for some time, and to meet members of Siobhans family, Ooh, now were all family, blimey were bigger than the Waltons!

I was honoured to be included in the proceedings as a witness to the vows, along with my little son Archie, who became an unofficial witness, due to his attachment to my side throughout the ceremony, and was so pleased as to how well my other children behaved, throughout the day.

The Brides father and the best mans speech were a joy, offering an insight in to the shenanigans of both Siobhan and Adams teenage years, of which I was not aware of.

The whole wedding seemed to run like clockwork, and the hard work put in to make such a wonderful event must have been enormous, but what a complete success it was!

Well that's about enough from me, just battled my way back to the Highlands, and thought Id write a few words before I start to thaw myself out.

So finally, from Sasha, my lovely wife, all the wee Saunders bairns and myself....

Thanks Adam and Siobhan! Have a fantastic life----s#*t that's four fantastics now. Sounds like a bloody film.