Saturday, 31 January 2009


It can be quite a physical ordeal to learn to play an instrument..

What with Fiddlers elbow, and Guitar nipple.
I understand Cello Scrotum was a common complaint, up until yesterday anyway.

It has become evident that the ailment, thought to affect up to 25% of male cellists, is a fake.

It makes you wonder just what is the reason for these poor Gentlemens unsavoury genitalia!!


I hear today that Iceland's Government has officially been dissolved.....

Is that due to the effects of global warming.


In 2008 over two thousand children left school without any GCSE's.

They did however get DVD's, Computers and the wheels to their headmasters car!


I was surprised to hear today, that members of the Organic farming community, for so long bastions of natural food products, pleading poverty due to the lack of demand from a financially battered British public.

They are requesting a bus mans holiday from Organic life to rejoin the lower classes, in providing their livestock with non organic feed, due to the redirection of the publics hard earned, towards cheaper food products.

A milk farmer was interviewed, and outlined the drop in profits he was experiencing. He went on to say that he was considering a break from Organic farming methods, to conventional feeding.

Now is it me again, or do these people ever put anything as a greater priority, than lining their deep pockets?

I know the answer No! For years these people have been ramming the virtues of Organic farming so far down our throats, that we are all ready to spew! Its a way of life they told us, Its the only way, they told us, how dare you eat anything but Organic produce they told us.. Until we all felt like guilty children should we dare dream of buying anything but Organic produce.

Well, now the second car is up for renewal, and the deposit on the fourth holiday is due. Mr Organic farmer is feeling the pinch. So bang goes all the false principals.

All the profits from the years of overpriced produce he has been selling have gone, and don't believe that there weren't profits, I can assure you that there were immense profits, have you ever seen a farmer on a bike? only a quad bike, being towed by a bloody great new Range Rover.

So Mr Organic farmer relaxes on feeding Organic feed to his cattle, and sells his milk cheaper, as non Organic for a couple of years. Then what? When we start spending again, and the demand for Organic produce returns, he will jump back on the lucrative gravy train and ride it like a demented fat cat, lapping and gorging on the profits!

The technical side to this is also questionable. I am led to believe that if a farm reverts to non Organic practices, it will take a significant number of years to 'De-tox' the farm back to Organic status.

For Gods sake, if you believe in Organic farming as a way of life, stick to your principals, don't, as we always suspected anyway, jump from one money grabbing fad to another.

Friday, 30 January 2009


Boiled eggs, cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make an ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs etc.

Make your own inexpensive mints, by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window cill, and for a treat use striped toothpaste to make humbugs!


Do not be tempted to use the courier service Parcel Force.

In my humble opinion, they are a bunch of money grabbing thieves! With little regard for their customers.
Never since Dick Turpin was robbing the innocent of there possessions and money, has highway robbery been so skillfully achieved.

I refer to a parcel I unwittingly left in the care of, who I shall refer to as, the 'Ant hill mob', for delivery within 48 hours of collection. The parcel was rather an awkward size granted, and made of glass, being a replacement windscreen for my car. Both of which were noted to the 'Ant hill mob' on placing my order with them.

They were more than happy to accept the £24.99 postage fee for a 48 hour guaranteed delivery period, which was deposited in their account quicker than superman on the toilet! With no qualms regarding the fragility of my package. Indeed I went to lengths to include on the delivery ticket stamped to the front of the parcel 'FRAGILE GLASS WINDSCREEN HANDLE WITH CARE'

It seems that I may as well have written 'PLEASE BREAK ME I BELONG TO AN IDIOT', as today following numerous phone calls trying to track down my parcel, I was informed that it was smashed in Coventry, and disposed of!

Not withstanding the fact the incompetent buffoons broke my screen, they did not have the decency to let me know, that they had broken my screen. If I had not worn the telephone out trying to locate my parcel this afternoon I still would not know that THEY HAD BROKEN MY BLOODY SCREEN.

To compound my grief, they now inform me that their insurance policy does not extend to covering glass in transit. WELL WHY ACCEPT THE BLOODY THING IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHAT DID THEY THINK IT WAS MADE OF- WOOD?

Now like the drink I'm not bitter, but this certainly leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

Another great British PLC flushing the consumers weary head down the toilet!!!

Wednesday, 28 January 2009


An Accident prone pesioner has described his shock at discovering he was the unwitting star of a 1970s TV show.

Mr Frank Spencer, A retired 68 year old with learning difficulties, says he had no idea he was being followed by a camera crew and only realised when the series was repeated on Dave last year.
'I was having a lot of harassments at the time' he admits, 'The BBC was taking advantage of my bad luck. Im very upset, it wasnt a very nice thing to do. Hmmmmm.'

Mr Spencer was secretly filmed from 1973 to 1978 as he suffered a series of mishaps and continually failed to hold down a series of low paid jobs. During the course of the series, made as Spencer was attempting to get over the death of his mother, millions saw him...

Desparately tryig to hold on to the rear bumper of a Morris Minor, hanging off the edge of a cliff, an event which caused him trauma induced flashbacks for decades.

Falling through a ceiling into the bed of his violent next door neighbour, a bar manager, who had previously threatened to murder Mr Spencer.

Clinging to a Church steeple while dressed as a frightening christmas elf.

Spencers wife Elizabeth, and daughter Jessica, were also filmed with Elizabeths full cooperation, according to Frank.

'I didnt know anything about it. Betty did. She let them film and kept all the money. She let them make me look like a fool, but im not a fool. Im just a little clumsy.

'I think thats why she left me, and why I lost touch with her and my daughter,' Frank laughs nervously.
'Thats why Im living in a home now. Ive got nothing. I dont even have my Beret any more. The cat did a whoopsee in it and I had to throw it out!


Huw Edwards rarely cracks a smile when reading the news. Thats because hes terrified that if he did, his makeup woul crack, and his secret would be revealed.
Unbelievably more than 98% of the Welsh newsmans face, is covered with complex polynesian tribal tattoos, which he is forced to disguise with thick concealer before going on air.

Indeed according to a reliable BBC insider, Edwards must spend an incredible THREE HOURS prior to every broadcast, having flesh toned pancake applied to his skin, before he looks normal enough to go in front of the cameras.

The source told me 'Huw had the tattoos done following a £1 bet with the sound man, whilst covering a G8 summit in Tahiti. Hes bitterly regretted it ever since, of course, and the irony is that the sound man got a job at ITV a week later, so Huw never even got his pound!'

Ever wondered why Fiona Bruce, the ice cool News at Ten and Antiques roadshow diva, keeps her head so still when reading the news?
According to my BBC grass, its because Fiona is one of the few women in Britain to ware Burmese neck rings, which stretch her neck to an incredible length of 2 foot 6 inches.

Bruce underwent the neck stretch procedure after watching a World in Action Programme, featuring the Giraffe women of Burma. She now has an amazing 120 rings on her neck, which she must keep on for life.
'The vertebrae are stretched so far apart that if the rings were removed, her head would flop on to the news desk, and she would die!' a leading surgeon told me over cocktails.

Surely not, how have I not seen these rings Craig, I hear you ask, well just hold your horses Im about to tell, and dont call me shirley.

To disguise the neck when reading the news, Bruce kneels down behind a foam rubber torso, specially created by boffins in the BBc special effects department.
To add realism the man who used to operate Gordon the Gopher works a pair of artificial limbs to shuffle the papers!

With regard to the Antiques road show, Bruce relies heavily on Stunt doubles!


Check out, its great. An interactive forum.

Chat to me OB1KNOB.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009


In his public apology, Russell Brand said that all he's ever wanted to do was make people laugh.


Okay Russell, any time your ready mate.


Check out the music and daily quotation gadgets, I shall update both now and again, let me know if you want me to keep any particular game or video longer.

Try listening to the radio while you read todays blog entry.

Im here to please!


Celebrity Kerry Katona, is seldom off our screens. Whether she is stuffing her face with budget frozen chicken nuggets, or stuffing her face with essential medication, she's always there.
I ask why?
I am baffled as to the source of her fame, so I thought Id invite any reader of my Blog to help decide once and for all.

Please leave your sugestion as to what YOU think Kerry Katona is famous for?


I dont think that it is enough that Russell Brand has quit, and Johnathon Ross has been suspended, and the director of radio 2 resigned over manuel-gate.
Surely Gordon Brown has to go too.
After all he was primeminister when this sorry afair happened.

The person who has shown the biggest lack of judgement in this case is Georgina Baillie, Mr Sachs's Grandaughter, In having sex with Russell Brand in the first place! What was she thinking of?


Im feeling a little down today, as the book I was half way through writing, managed to get erased from the old Jornada lap top I was using. Only 12 months work, never mind. I have a few notes, I may start again, dont feel like it a moment too depressed.
Now Im getting angry GRRR..
Now sad again..
Now empty, a hollow vessel. Bobbing up and down on the tide of life, waiting for the next storm to throw me ashore.
Perhaps a piece of cake will cheer me up, sugar is a great healer.

Yep that seemed to do it, back to the siilyness!

Sunday, 25 January 2009


Just a thought, Why dont apes turn in to Humans anymore?

Saturday, 24 January 2009


Have you heard the amazing story of the two Burmese fishermen, shipwrecked off the North Coast of Australia.

They managed to cling to an Ice Box which was part of the debris from the wreck, for an amazing '25 days'. When asked how they managed to survive, they said that rain water was collected and saved for drinking, and that birds vomit was eaten.

Now I don't want to cast aspersions on there amazing survival, but how did they manage to tempt birds on to their makeshift raft, and on successfully tempting them induce them in to vomiting?

Could I suggest that the Ice box, which was apparently the size of a desk, was in fact a fridge, and they have managed to survive on babybells, sushi and other such items from the ships galley.


I heard today that the various government departments representing the European union, all competing to become the first to gain favour with Mr Obama, have outlined there commitments to various global issues.

The British raised the continued commitment towards reducing emissions.
The Germans highlighted their commitment towards World poverty over the coming years,
and the Italians Environmental issues.

The French brought to the attention of the new President, that the duty on exported cheese to the US was far too high and asked for an immediate reduction.

What can I say?


DOGGER---Caught---trousers down---getting breezy---damp patches.
DOVER-----Sole---Lemon---Drizzle---Becoming moist
BISCAY-----Bay of---Lobster---Crabpot--WestSouthWestEasterly rising
FITZROY SOLE---Repair---Cobblers---Very wet at times

LUNDY---Just a silly name

SHANNON---Irish---Limerick---Becoming rough in North
RUCKALL,MALLIN AND HEBRIDES---Far too cold to worry


That concludes the shipping forecast for today 24/01/09.

Friday, 23 January 2009

1,000,000th customer...

I would like to thank 'FatMac' for becoming my first follower.


1. I solemnly sware I shall not let your faith in me down, I will uphold the standards and decency in my posts, to the levels you would expect.

2. I shall attempt to brighten your days, in these financially uncertain times, and offer an escape to the monotony of everyday life.

3. None of the above


I don't believe it, a wise poet once said, can I believe my ears. I am led to understand that Northern Rock Executives have decided to award themselves bonuses. Well bloody good for them, not content with using OUR money to bail out the Geordie bank, they have done such a good job with the unlimited underwritten funds WE have supplied them with, in the form of our taxes, and the misery which will unfold in the following years when we will be asked to fork out more money in higher taxes to pay for this borrowing, they have now decided to award themselves bonuses for 'saving' the bank and meeting repayment targets set by the government.
Hip Hip Hooray, well done Northern Cock!


It seems that I am not only a share holder in RBS, LlOYDS and NAT WEST Banks, but also may be on the verge of acquiring an interest in Liverpool football club, which has a substantial financial commitment to RBS, in the form of a £350million outstanding loan.

It transpires that RBS, have given Messrs Gillette and Hicks the current owners of the club, until July to repay the loan. If not re payed or sold by this date the club and assets will be seized by the bank.
As I have already bailed out RBS, and am a big hitter in the board room.. I can tell you there will be a few changes in store for the Red devils, if we take over the club.

For a start the team shirt will be changed, I rather like Orange, and I have made an indiscreet approach to a rather large pie outlet for sponsorship, 'Pies-R-Us', Impressed I can tell.

Thursday, 22 January 2009


Posh spice, Victoria Beckham, recently revealed in an exclusive interview, that she 'wishes she could be anonymous'.

Don't we all?

Paul Mcartney is at last getting his recent unfortunate divorce in to perspective.

In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an Omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he came out of this alive!


Has anyone seen John Seargent and Jo Brand together?

Is it just me or do all Koala bears look like Michael Winner?

Has anyone else noticed that Phil Mitchel out of East Enders, looks like an uncooked sausage in a shirt?


I was outside 'Pies-R Us', last Saturday, when a worm hole in the space time continuum opened up. I looked on in disbelief as several trainers, half a dozen DM's and three rather comfy looking brogues, all left feet strangely enough, were sucked in to a parallel universe.

I couldn't quite believe the what I was witnessing, what were the chances of only the left shoes being taken by the mass of all consuming energy, I asked the manager of the shop in question, 'Shoes-R -uS', this very question.

"The annoying thing is, the missing shoes are still here, but I cant get at them because they are existing as what is called 'Dark Energy'. occupying a parallel dimension.
So the right ones I've still got in the shop are no good to me." he answered.


To the woman putting on make up on whilst driving her blue BMW 3 series, badly, in the outside lane of the keswick bridge, A9 on Monday:

If you want to use the highway as a make up studio, May I recommend the A268 rather than the A9 - its much longer, so you should have time to get all your slap on!!

Tuesday, 20 January 2009


Every day, newspaper scare stories warn that were exhausting the worlds natural resources.
Whether its oil, Gas ozone, rain forests or fish, the chanses are were using up our dwindling supplies like theres no tomorrow.
Now, says a report from a leading university, ther may not even be a tomorrow. For if the boffins calculations are correct, we are wasting time at such a rate, that by the year 2040 we will have run out of it all together, and everything will stop.
People simply dont seem to realise that Time is a finite resource, the reports author told us.

I contacted time boffin Mr Stephen Hawking, to describe what Britain may look like in 2040, when time runs out.
" The first thing that will strike a visitor to the timeless world of tomorrow, will be how very dark it is, even in the middle of the day.
Thats because light travells at 186000 miles per second. Without seconds to travell in, the light will simply stay up in space, casting our World in to a state of constant gloom. As a result we will have to carry torches everywhere we go.
Ordinary activities which we take for granted now will become impossible, when time runs out.
Our boiled eggs will always come out wrong, either too hard or too soft, as ther will be no way to judge how long theyve been in the pan, and setting the video to record our favourite programmes while we are out will be a nightmare."


Two of the biggest names in British advertising were involved in a furious bust up outside a Popular London nightclub, I can reveal.
Scores of A list celebrities, including cilit bangs Barry Scott, the yes car credit girl and Jacko out of Brush Strokes, were left stunned when bespecktacled Howard out of the Halifax adverts traded punches with another bloke out of the Halifax advert, outside Chinawhites at 3am.
The hostility between the singing mortgage advisors had been simmering for some time, and there are many within the banking industry, who will not be surprised by last nights fireworks.
Only last month,veteran Halifax add king, Howard Brown, launched an astonishing attack on the other bloke out of the adverts, who is believed to be called Trevor or Kieth, in a no holds barred interview with the financil times. "This new bloke has ripped off my act, hes just trying to cash in on my success", fumed Howard.
According to revellers at the trendy westend nightspot, the pair had been eyballing each other all evening.
Tensions finally came to a head, when members of the other bloke out of the Halifax adverts entourage, began taunting Brown as he left the club, accusing him of being a 'has been', and 'fanny face'.
Onlookers said Brown responded by branding a recent ad, in which the other bloke out of the Halifax adverts starred as a wild west gunslinger, singing a cleverly reworded version of Rhinestone cowboy, a 'pile of shit'.
It was at this point the two disgraced stars came to blows.
Witnesses reported that the scuffle ended when former e-sure car insuracnce ad prostitute Michael Winner intervened.
One onlooker told reporters: "I dont know what he said, but it calmed them down immidiately."

Friday, 16 January 2009


The following extracts are taken from the introduction to 'MISTLETOE AND BULLETS', A crime thriller, By Craig Saunders.

In the distance I could hear a faint voice calling me, was it an angel beckoning me to a better place?
"Sean its gone eight, You'd better get up"
Ahh, Alas not this time, I was partly right, it was my own little angel, beckoning me to the breakfast table.
"SEAN," The voice got louder.
"OK, I'm up, I'm up, Its so cold",I mumbled in my semi conscious state, pulling the duvet cover over my head.

I heard her footsteps, as she started to climb the stairs.

"Alright, Alright, I'm up, no rest for the wicked, I thought to myself, as I grudgingly left the warmth of my bed, braving the arctic conditions of the bedroom.
"Try not to be late again, I've got to go." She replied, as the footsteps returned downstairs.
"What no breakfast in bed then"? I called back, as I started to dress.
"No there's tea in the pot, and you've a letter, its on the table", and with that there was a rattle of keys, and the front door slammed.

"Love you too".

Let me introduce myself, Sean Lawson, 39 years old, retired, presumed by many as deceased, previous occupation...well..Iv'e had a number of jobs since officially leaving school, none of them legitimate in the eyes of the law though, if I had to sum up my role in society in a few words, it would probably be pest control specialist.

Born in Bermondsey, South London, in 1969,smacked on the arse, and been fighting back ever since. The name on my birth certificate is Sean Philips, the illegitimate son of a popular local working girl, complications at birth meant that I would remain an only child.
We lived on the third floor of a neglected private block of flats on an estate, aptly named the Hope Estate. I say we, that included me, my mother and a string of uncles who seemed to come and go at all hours of the day and night, well I did say she was popular.
I suppose now, thinking back, anyone of them could have been my father, but I try not to think back, we never discussed him anyway, I felt no worse off not having on as I grew up, that's what I told myself anyway. In truth it would have been nice to have had somebody to teach me how to ride a bike with out stabilisers, or to play football with or just to turn to for advice, none of that sort of stuff seemed to be in my mums remit, anyway I did OK, and at least it saved money on fathers day cards.
I wasn't particularly academically minded at school, but that wasn't through a lack of interest, I liked learning, but just found the formality of it all difficult to take, I'd never liked taking advice, let alone orders, and I suppose without any real discipline at home the grass always looked greener on the other side of the school fence.
So I ended up going to school when I had to, and didn't when I could get away with it, and as long as I wasn't around the flat when my mother was entertaining yet another uncle, she couldn't have cared less where I was.
It sounds cliched, I know, but the streets became my education, at the school of hard knocks, well that and the local library, where I could learn at my own pace.
It may seem a strange thing to say, baring in mind my history to date, but I don't feel that my childhood has adversely affected me at all, I believe destiny has pretty much planned out everything for us anyway, and I' have always been a bloody good pest controller, whatever had happened.
"My God, it must be colder in here than it is outside, Oh well soon be Christmas" I was talking to myself again, I'd been doing a lot of that recently, "First sign of madness, they reckon", I mumbled to myself as I made my way downstairs.
Standing in the kitchen, eating my cold toast, thanks Karren, I ripped open my envelope and read the card inside, suddenly my whole World began to shrink around me, I had to steady myself by leaning on the table.
Merry Christmas Sean, is it Lawson or Philips these days?
Congratulations on your miraculous recovery.
We'll be in touch.
An innocent enough greeting you might think, the envelope had a lovely clear South London postmark as well, it didn't need to be signed.
Nine years, nine long quiet bloody years, slowly building a new life, now this.
I had a some phone calls to make;
"Hello blacksmith arms public house", was the reply, at least the pubs still standing I thought.
"Is Dave Johnson about please mate," I asked not hopeful of much luck with my first try.
"Dave, its for you" I was amazed to hear in the background.
"Cheers Bob, who is it".
"Didn't say, and hurry up this ain't a bloody public phone for you toerags".
"Alright, Alright, keep yer bloody hair on, what there is left anyway" I heard Dave mumble as he was passed the phone.
"Yeah, who's this", he replied.
"Sean who"?
"Sean of the bloody dead", suddenly came in to my mind, rather witty I thought. There was a silence.
"Dave"? I asked again.
"Bloody Hell Sean Phil........" I stopped him from completing the name.
"Don't say my name in the pub for Christs sake, I know this must be a shock for you, but calm down and call me back on this number, got a pen mate"?
Five minutes later my mobile rang, long time since Id had a call from a London number.
"Dave, its a good job your such a creature of habit, have you actually moved from that stool since Ive been gone"? I asked.
"I can hardly believe it Sean, is it really you" he asked, his words tumbling over each other with excitement.
"The one and only"
"Why, Where are you? I cant believe it, your taking a risk aren't you?, I mean your dead, he continued.
"Modern medical science mate, ther's a lot to be said for it", I replied
"Its so good to hear you mate, Ive missed your Dulcie tones" he continued.
"Me to, Me to" I held back my emotions, I needed to be professional about the situation.
"Apart from being dead, how are you" he asked.
"Oh Ive been better, don't take this the wrong way but I wasn't expecting to speak to you again mate, how are you"?
There was another pause.
"Oh you know, struggling on"
"Listen mate, has anyone been asking about me, or mentioned my name"? I asked.
"It must be nearly ten years Sean, no ones mentioned you for as long as I can remember, since around the funeral time. Why whats up?"
"Someone seems to have taken an interest in me, Ive had a bloody Christmas card, how they got my address, I don't know, and after all this time, there's only two people who know I'm alive let alone where I live".
My tone must have worried Dave, as he knew that he was one of the two people I was referring to, his voice became sterner.
"One person Sean, Chris died nearly two years ago, and obviously there was no way of letting you know, I ain't got a clue where you are anyway, or if you were still alive, so you don't need to ask if Ive said anything."
I stopped him from continuing,"I know that mate, that's not why I'm calling, It hasn't even crossed my mind. What happened to Chris".
Even though it had been nearly ten years since I had seen or spoken to Chris I was shocked at the news, and had to sit down.
"Occupational hazards Sean, a lots changed around here since you left mate, new faces, new money, some of us old faces don't fit in anymore. We often thought about you Sean.
Still shocked at the news of Chris's death I finally said.
"I need to see you Dave, I wouldn't be calling you if it wasn't serious, I need to get down there and smoke the bastards out, I'm not waiting for them to make the next move. They've caught me off guard, now its my turn, If someones got the bollocks to come after me, I want to see the whites of their eyes before I pull them out".
"I'm travelling down tomorrow, give us a bell around noon, on this number, and I'l arrange to meet you, I'm sorry to involve you in this Dave but its important, can you do that for me?"
"You don't have to ask mate, It'll be great to see you again".