Friday, 13 February 2009


shop weight or shirt... What sort of lifter are you?

Shoplifters, Shirt lifters and Weight lifters are everywhere. It seems that these days you cant pick up a newspaper, without reading stories of retail theft, gayness or feats of strength.
Whether its Winona Ryder being stopped for stealing a coat, George Michael performing a sex act on a scruffy van driver, or Geoff Capes carrying a Citroen 2CV around an obstacle course in Malta, different kinds of lifters are never out of the headlines.

Maby its not so surprising. After exhaustive research, over breakfast, I believe that each and every one of us falls in to one of these three categories. For people like Elton John, Isabel Barnett and Precious Mckenzie, its obvious which group they fall into. What of the rest of us though?

You may think you know what sort of lifter you are, but do you really?

I have listed a easy to follow questionnaire, which will tell you once and for all.

So lift up your pencil and take the test everyone is talking about,.. in my house, to find out.

1. You are walking down the street when you spot an ice cream van with a puncture. The wheel jack is collapsed, and the seller is trapped under his vehicle and shouting for help. What do you do?

a. Take hold of the bumper and lift the van up enough for the man to escape.
b. Nip in to the van and fill your coat with ice lollies, flakes and cans of coke.
c.Mince up to the trapped ice cream man and run your hands over his buttocks.

2. You are the only customer in a sweet shop, and you have asked for a quarter of kola cubes, which are in a jar on the top shelf. The shop keeper says he will have to go up a rickety ladder to get them.How do you react?

a. Wait until he gets up the top of the ladder before filling you pockets with Mars bars and Topics and running out of the shop.
b. Offer to lift him above your head so he can reach the jar without going up the ladder.
c. Offer to hold the ladder, thus offering the opportunity to peek up his trouser leg, at his bottom!

3. You sit down in front of the TV one night. What programme do you watch?

a. The Worlds strongest man.
b. The Wizard of Oz.
c. The Richard and Judy show.

4. You are standing in a bus queue. What do you do with your arms.?

a. Hold them up, elbows level with your shoulders, forearms vertical and fists clenched, angled towards your biceps.
b. Put one hand on your hip, and hold the other arm aloft with a slack wrist.
c. Keep them inside your coat holding 8 tins of spaghetti hoops, whilst a pair of false ones dangle in your sleeves.

5.....Oh sod it, I think you get the general idea, I sometimes think I'm writing this drivel as some kind of stress relief, I don't know if anybody is going to read it! Its snowing again outside..Obviously...! be something to see if it started snowing indoors... peas for tea tonight....must remember to clean the bottom of the longs that mole been on my finger? Ho Hum.

No comments:

Post a Comment